Radio Royalty to ‘save' BBC Local?

Radio Royalty to ‘save' BBC Local ?

At the end of the day that saw the John Myers report on the future and funding of BBC local radio, I saw on Twitter that John was to appear the next morning, 28 February, on the BBC station in ‘my’ old radio stamping ground of 20 years, Nottingham! I was working on my computer and had also just seen a copy of an old Radio Trent Christmas card, featuring a ‘cartoon’ of the djs. They were all 30 years younger as the card was from 1981-1982. Looking at a group of just 4 of us from the cartoon*, I realised that our lives (careers) had all gone in different directions.... but it also gave me an IDEA…. So, here I am. burning the midnight oil, to type this, with only a 'voice-tracked' radio station to listen to...

On a national basis Dale had of course (as we all expected then) ‘gone’ the farthest, he had ‘star quality’ and it was only a matter of time before he left radio to join television. Of course on local radio, you are a ‘big fish in a small pond' so I must explain that the blonde is Tony Lyman, who worked in Nottingham constantly from 1978, and later in Leicester and Derby, as he was a mainstay on Radio Trent, GEM-AM, and then Saga Radio and its ‘highwayman’ Smooth. So he has known the region (and the listeners have known him) for thirty four years! Slightly ironically, it was John Myers ‘at the helm’ of Smooth when Tony lost his show (because of syndication) after 30 years on-air in the region…

Even better known is the bearded man, the ‘father of Nottingham Radio’, John Peters. No one has been heard more on Nottingham airwaves in the last 37 years... He ‘opened’ Trent on its first day in 1975, did breakfast for longer than anyone, then did GEM breakfast for much if its (sadly) short life. It reached 24% of the Nottingham listeners before being melted into the ‘Gold’ mould where it shrivelled back to a 3% reach (thanks GWR/Capital) before the name was finally lost. John was STILL the voice of Nottingham (Great East Midlands) breakfast in this century; firstly on Saga, then Smooth. If you’ve never heard of him, I would label John as ‘the Terry Wogan of Nottingham’.

Now the fourth one in the picture is me, but I was at best a ‘shooting star’, two years at Metro, a slightly lack-lustre time at Piccadilly (it and me ), then from ’77 great fun at 'Trent Towers'. But even as early as 1982 I was receding into the background. I knew radio careers are delicately balanced and with great presenters around like Dale, Tony and John, I found management, music (and making the jingles) more satisfying and I have to say ‘secure’. By today’s terminology, I would be labelled a ‘suit’, but I never acted like one… I promise!

Why have I recorded all this nostalgia (even history) now? Because my ‘radio senses’ kicked in after a good glass of Portuguese Alentajo Vinho Tinto this evening.

Those Nottingham listeners who in the 70s and 80s had followed Tony, John, Dale and myself, and given us a 30%+ reach each week, were then 15-24s, or 25-35s.

Hey! That means they are NOW 45-54s, or 55-65s…

Now… let me think, which radio station targets those groups NOW?

Of course, BBC Local Radio!

So does this mean that those Trent /GEM listeners:

♦who loved ‘music radio’

♦who wrote in profusion

♦who knew all the dj names

♦who could sing all our jingles

♦who left cakes on reception (in Nottingham not London)

♦who listened fervently DESPITE awful double-glazing/tyre ads

♦who came to gigs every week

♦who formed crowds outside when Cliff, Diana Dors or Gene Pitney came in...

Have got 'old';  no longer want radio with ‘fun’, lively jingles, a ‘heritage factor’ ? Do they REALLY prefer a NEWS-led, journalistically driven station as all BBC locals persist with? Are 45-65s REALLY so different now to when they listened to ‘our’ style of radio in their youth?

I think .. NOT.

So, if the BBC is brave enough to do it, one more idea in addition to the very sound ones outlined by John Myers…

Bring–in ‘radio royalty’ from YOUR area to DO the main shows*

ILR made them what they are, but YOU get the benefit..!

We know how many GOOD ILR presenters were suddenly without a job as Heart, Smooth, Real, Capital etc merged closed machinated ‘local radio’ into a computer controlled ‘radio mousse’ digitally squeezed from London.

The biggest ‘weapon’ BBC local has to fight back is:

♦ to mix its (often) good editorial skills** with a new music based mix featuring a team of presenters of the SAME GENERATION as its target audience. In Nottingham, they could have John Peters, Tony Lyman and others (but Dale’s busy!)

And in every part of the country, there are still the ‘djs you grew up with”, who fell under the ‘scythe of syndicated radio’***. They could invigorate the limp rag that is (sometimes) BBC Local radio, with its misguided, under-performing, over-journalistic principles.

T o save offending anyone, I know that Tony Lyman already works on other BBC services (but not Nottingham), and Paul Robey, (both a presenter and later manager at Trent/GEM) is already on Radio Nottingham.

Let’s get the presenters WHO made radio… who made radio LOCAL… who got those huge reaches back in the 70s and 80s.... BACK on what is left of local radio. The only outlet now** is BBC Local radio ~ but if the Beeb, 'bite the ILR bullet’ and take on these ‘names’ who are STILL remembered by those 45-65s, I predict, your stations will indeed regain the ratings you seek, and NEED to justify not being severely cut-back financially.

Why am I writing all this? I was after all always an ‘ILR man’, and I never felt the BBC licence fee system was fair or worked.

Easy. If BBC locals take this very strong, high, ‘heritage’ ground, mix 'heritage' LOCAL personalities, with good music and local speech programming, they will gradually undermine the ‘quasi national syndicated’ services that live in the carcass of what was ‘Independent Local Radio’. And maybe, we will eventually see the initials ILR, meaning just that once again; so wherever you are in Britain, your station is from YOUR city. So, “Best of Luck” to the BBC !

Len Groat (definitely retired****)

* To save hurt egos, retain friendships, the card featured too many to elaborate on: Colin Bower, Steve Merike, Viv Evans and someone called David Lloyd !

** Apologies to the (hard-working) BBC presenters currently on these shows but if it's a choice between station first, or presenter first - journalist or personality radio ~ the station/personality MUST win.

*** A STRONG word here for the enthusiasts on Community / Internet stations, doing a great job, and often secure in ‘real’ work as well as having fun being local on the radio. With the ‘journalism gene’ swept away from BBC local,  from their ranks may come the next generation of BBC local presenters.

UPDATE: 12 January 2015 : **** Except weekdays 10am to 1 pm on www.solidgoldgem.am 

Jingles ... OR Blingles ?

Jingles OR Blingles ?

As a devotee, collector, connoisseur ‘jingle anorak’, and more, I think it’s a crucial time (for the sake of UK radio) to look back and write a serious review of what has happened to sung radio station identification in the last 10 years. Yes, JINGLES ! That word may tempt you to stop reading this as ‘jingle’ is a ‘dirty word’ in many radio circles in 2012 but I hope you thought, “ooohhh BLINGLES, what ARE they?”, and read on…

I believe radio stations now under-sell themselves as they are using what I call ‘blingles’ rather than the Jingles that worked so well for radio for 50 years from the 1950s.

Why have things changed? Because the newest generation of ‘adults’ live in a ‘low attention-span’ world where they endlessly seek something new, a new device, fad or fashion, and ‘throw out’ what already works and is perfectly ‘sound’.

Basically people under 30 are the demographic most of the large, quasi-national radio stations in the UK favour , pander to, and so the ‘true adults’ between 30 and 65 are left to seek ‘their radio’ from the BBC nationals, the few (still individual) commercial stations, on-line stations, or if even older, the sombre BBC locals where every day is, ‘hey let’s remember a Golden Year, and see who died in it !”

The quasi-national radio stations have reduced their programming to ‘lowest common denominator music’ and at the same time have reduced their identification to ‘lowest common denominator jingles’.

It all started when some radio groups  took over dozens of local stations in the early 90s and introduced more ‘economical programming’. This meant less staff (except in the sales department) less ‘free speech’ (replaced with scripted ‘liner cards’), less music variety (research became ‘God’), and NO sung jingles (it SAVED £££). For over 10 years the only actual STATION idents were ‘voiced’ drop-ins by a ‘station voice’. All this had the affect of killing any true ‘fun’ or creativity by the presenters… and by the time sung jingles returned, the station staff had forgotten (or had never learned) WHAT made a good jingle.

This, and the "Smashy and Nicey syndrome" triggered the ‘death’ (some might call it ‘putting down’) of ‘Won-der-ful Ra-di-o 1’ in 1998, and its replacement with so-called ‘credible’ Radio 1. Out went ‘happy’ deejays, with quality voices, music people actually KNEW, and at the same time they played their last ‘Dallas’ jingle.

Of course it was not just the jingles that were swept away in a wave of ‘radio political correctness’ .A new style dj appeared on radio, more the ‘yoof or yob next door’ than the ‘star’ on the Top of the Pops stage. Some even introduced female breakfast show presenters, whose ratings soon proved that this was NOT something the audience (male or female) appreciated.

The ‘Dallas jingles’ produced originally by PAMS, TM and others, and later by PAMS ‘immaculately conceived love child’ JAM, had been the ‘bread and butter’ sound of UK Pirate Radio in the 1960,s the BBC 'pop' services from 1967 to 1997, and then on ILR from 1988 for 15 years.

It’s time we looked at WHY we need to have TWO words where one previously sufficed. If you check through the criteria below I think you will agree that Jingles and Blingles are very different animals?

Blingles

♦A ‘Blingle package’ typically has only about 8 cuts

♦Have vocals where you can hear each of the singers, and a maximum of 2 or 3 singers

♦Many have only female singers, 2, ‘stacked’ but not in unison

♦Mainly synthetic, ‘drum’ led tracks ~ think “Kylie Minogue meets Frankie Goes to Hollywood and Rod Stewart’s Faces”

♦A track designed to be digitally edited to make many versions from 2 to 40 seconds long

♦No ‘transition cuts’

♦A ‘sonic logo’* for the station name which is also played on a synthesised instrument at the start of the jingle

♦Lyrics: station name ALWAYS at the end, only ONE  ‘strapline’, no local place names

♦The end notes of station name are sung in a very HIGH register

♦Only one ‘strapline’ for example, ‘Love Life, Love music’

♦Instrumental ‘sonic logos’ for weather, sport, travel and news cuts

♦Over an instrumental section the singers do a ‘woo ohho ho yeah’ type sequence (This is in place of any alternate lyrics, and there are no ‘fun elements’)

♦Both the track and vocals have a lot of eecchhooo, and the end has echo and reverb..

( I make NO apology for not naming the main ‘Blingle companies’ as you can HEAR plenty of examples on-line and in any case last year one in North America had a post of mine about their product removed from a discussion website… sensitive!! )

* ‘Sonic logo’ a (trendy) confusing phrase created by new Blingle companies to replace ‘logo melody’. It was defined by one man as the equivalent of the Alka Seltzer ‘plink plink fizz’. Each syllable is exaggerated so (for example) the new ‘Ab so lute Ra di o’ sonic logo = “plink fizz plink fizz plink fizz”.

Jingles

♦A ‘Jingle package’ typically has 15-30 cuts

♦Have ‘group vocals’ to form a ‘block sound’ where no one singer stands out, and may also have some solo sections

♦Most have 5 singers for a contemporary sound, 7 for a ‘classier style’

♦Mainly ‘real’ instrumentation

♦Tracks designed to be used at that length, though pad or donut versions can be created by mixes without the front or centre lyrics, and the end may form a shorter mix

♦Tracks with ‘fast to slow’, or ‘slow to fast’, ‘transition cuts’ to bind programme elements together, seamlessly

♦A ‘melody logo’ for the station name

♦Lyrics: station name sung in various places; several phrases/ or ‘straplines’, local place names often included

♦Vocal jingles for weather, sport, travel and news

♦No instrumental section where the singers do a ‘woo ohho ho yeah’ type sequence

♦Have some ‘fun element’, in the lyrics, or by using sound fx or other creative methods

♦Have very little noticeable echo

I make NO apology for not naming the main ‘Jingle companies’; if you do not know them you should not have read this far !

There are some ‘mutations’, for example the Chris Moyles ‘cheesy song’, which instrumentally is a jingle but has Blingle vocals, and nowadays some Dallas-based companies have made packages with ‘Jingle vocals’ over ‘Blingle tracks’ ..

For the last 10 years or so many British radio stations have moved to ‘Blingles’, and the people at the radio stations have forgotten HOW to commission proper ‘jingle packages’.

The UK ‘jingle industry’ itself is also partly to blame, as it seems NO ONE is brave enough to be original and CREATIVE, musically or lyrically…

CONCLUSIONS

We should RETURN to ‘jingles’; your listeners deserve a better quality product, and, most importantly, you need to make your station stand-out from the ‘blingle wilderness’ that predominates in Britain.

WHY sound EXACTLY the same as all the others you think you are better than?

WHY do jingles work better than Blingles? Just “LISTEN” to and complete these:

“It’s Smoo--oth Sail-ing with the ….”

“Music hour by hour, too much, on your tower, it’s great, of po-wer…”

“We’re fishing at Grimsby, so why not take your time and…”

“Wake up to Wogan, on ….”

“In Ilkeston and the Vale of Belvoir…”

“From the Tamar’s bridges down to Land’s End…

“Britain’s Favourite ….”

“Across the Chiltern Hills, all you need to know…

Cheesey ? Maybe.

Memorable ? YES!

F U N ? YESSS !!!!

If you can complete any 2 of those ~ the jingles worked THEN, and NOW!..

Did they work ? YOU tell me!

If you want to HEAR some jingles......

.....check out my 'In Praise of Songs' blog from March 2012!

Len Groat

(Between 1980 and 1994 Len lyriced and co-produced more custom jingle packages than any other programmer in UK radio. Radio ‘guru’ David Lloyd noted on a DVD celebrating 35 years of Radio Trent that Len had spent £250,000 on jingles.)

The TRUTH .... about today's sad Radio industry..

The TRUTH ....

about today's sad Radio industry..

... in ONE picture! 

(Courtesy Mike Askins Oklahoma USA)

Press ME !
I Let a Song go out of my heart...

Reel-to-reel to Real to Un-real

Reel-to-reel to Real to Un-real

'Radio giant' John Myers recently Tweeted “CFM Radio licence is up for renewal I see. I love that station. launched it, built it and home town. I might apply for that...”

How wonderful to be confident enough to publically announce this, and also have the resources (£20,000) to apply. Most interestingly, the man behind the many mergers that led to the setting-up of large quasi-national services clearly takes a delight in his ‘home town’ station. I hope you DO apply John, and as you say ‘Don’t let me down’.

I’d love to be able to say I could apply for a licence in my ‘home town’. Sadly, that was London, a place I did not like when I was 18, and like even less now. But I applied to Capital Radio (as was) back in 1973, and actually had an interview, 'dreams' like that happened then. But the morning show I lusted after was to be the (temporary) home of (American) Tommy Vance and Joan Shenton, and I was to delight Geordie Land with my posh London accent and the ‘Groat Market’ at Metro Radio from ’74. Both good fun but neither very ‘home towny’ !

Unfortunately, in 2012, to get a licence in many ‘home towns’ now one needs to be not British or even based here, or be the owner of a multi-million pound empire. And as British radio stations merged and syndicated, the chances of getting a local presenter post anywhere moved down towards zero. In any case, if you did there is a high chance the station broadcasts from somewhere other than the ‘home town’. And I do not mean just the small stations, even (for example) in Nottingham with its 1.3 million people, there are stations doing only 4, or NO hours, locally each day. It was not always like that and I’m prompted to write all this, by a small box I came across in my archive recently. It was sent to me, in Nottingham in June 1979, when I was the person who listened to ‘audition tapes’. I recall receiving at least 30 from local hospital radio people, indeed I gave about 10 of them a job!

These audition tapes were of course either reel-to-reel (more impressive) or cassettes, invariably with ball-point pen scribble on the ‘Memorex’ label. This particular box had a typed label, carefully sellotaped onto it, with details of the sender; note I was even elevated by the sender to ‘Esq’, it sounds almost Dickensian. But inside the box was a (then trendy) Dymotape covered reel tape informing me it was, 'full track', ‘mono’, and  ‘7.5 I.P.S’. A foreign language to today’s younger ‘radio people’ but clearly from someone serious about working on his 'hometown' station.

Did the person who sent the tape get rejected, and work instead in a bank who are now making him redundant after 33 year’s service? Or, has his career reached the ‘radio stratosphere’, stretching over a list of stations longer than Her Majesty the Queen’s Prime Ministers between 1952 and 2012? The clue is in the name. I had already taken on a deejay called ‘Vince Mould’ and it did not take much skill to decide it did not sound right/would not ‘sing’ on jingles, so he became ‘Tony Lyman’. So I insisted poor Tony Lloyd (real name) HAD to change his name. Whether you are a radio person of one year or 44 years standing, I hope you now know about whom I’m writing?

Of course, the tape was excellent, and perhaps a ‘clip’ will appear on the tape’s ‘anniversary’ in #radiomoments on Twitter on 21 June this year. The love and knowledge of his ‘home town’ meant it was full of energy creativity and talent. I have not heard it for 25 years not having had a reel-to-reel machine. But I suspect the qualities it had then will STILL shine through as ‘Tony Lloyd’ is also now an archivist of commercial radio so I'm guessing he still has the 'Master tape'. But, this is not an homage to one of the British radio industry’s ‘leading lights’, I’m prompted to write this ‘blog’ (in my day an essay) as I want to ask a simple question.

HOW in 2012 would someone with such native skills get onto their ‘home town’ station?

I wonder if anyone on these ‘local’ stations even listens to demos of ‘2012 Tony Lloyds’. If so, why, as there is little chance of any local work; apart from 'breakfast' any programme they might be able to do would be London-based. Do ‘young hopefuls’ have a chance of getting onto ANY station, let alone the one in their ‘home town’? British commercial radio has shed hundreds of presenter posts, and is so formulaic now, that unless a 'Tony Lloyd' were ‘right’ for a Breakfast show, the number of jobs is very small. Also, the increase in the importance of ‘visual appearance’ for radio (internet, tv ads, tv shows) means that even the best presenter ‘in the county’ might be limited in their employment chances, if they were not ‘handsome’, or resembled the ginger-haired woman in ‘Gimme Gimme Gimme’?

The other problem is that commercial radio now bows-down to Academies, Awards, Research, ‘team work’ and ‘Training Days’. I’ve NEVER believed that training can ‘make’ a good presenter; you either are, or you are NOT. The 'radioness' and sensitivity of the ‘Tony Lloyds’ of this world is innate, not something you can learn. Yet it’s VERY easy to lose that quality if you control, change, train, and disillusion an embryonic talent by sticking them in a studio 100 miles from their ‘home town’ and their first 2 years is spent ‘voice tracking’ 5 shows a week in 3 hours. And if they are not ‘visual’, they are unlikely to get a job or succeed in tomorrow’s commercial radio.

I recall that when Radio Trent took over 'Centre Radio', and re-named it ‘Leicester Sound’ I was sent the 30 miles there to oversee various parts of its re-launch, formulate its music, and create the jingles. But Leicester was NOT my ‘home town’, I had no affinity for it or the station, so soon managed to shake-off most of this role to focus on a station and city I DID feel was ‘home’. Ironically, ‘Leicester Sound’ is now just radio history, as its transmitters carry output from London 20 hours a day, and Nottingham 4 hours a day, so any Leicester ‘Tony Lloyd’ certainly won’t be working on his ‘home town’ station.

If the ‘norm’ in 2012 is maintained, we face a future, monopolistic commercial radio industry, where all the ‘bosses’, ‘suits’ ‘CEO’s’ hardly know the many ‘home towns’ their company owns, and presenters are slim, handsome or beautiful. So what chance do today’s hopeful, sensitive, innately talented young presenters stand of ever working in their ‘home town? And if that is true... WHERE will the ‘Tony Lloyds’ of the future come from?

This is your Captain ... broadcasting

I found a very old picture I'd taken at Piccadilly Radio in 1976, and posted it on Facebook yesterday. It was from the summer of '76, when I did breakfast (on trial) and filled-in on various shows on the station.

One evening I got my (then grotty) camera, stood on a chair, and photographed the 'Studio 1' panel from above. Two years after I first worked on ILR I was still fascinated with everything about it, and the Neve desk, plus the ITC '3 stacks' were the industry standard then. However,  I realised that some of today's 'NEXT button' presenters probably do not even realise there was NO WAY of getting anything to 'start automatically'.

If you needed a loo break it was controlled by how l o n g the next song (vinyl) was.. you had to start EVERY song. And of course, remember to switch from 45rpm to 33rpm for albums, and bring-in 20-30 'oldies' (then 1958 to 1975!)  as they were FREE CHOICE !

I am recalling all this nostalgia, as it prompted me to post this on Facebook about using the same desk at Radio Trent from 1977 onwards :

I can only liken the feeling of 'being in control' of that desk, the transmitter, from 9-12 each morning as being the Captain of a Boeing jet.. You could not 'buy' that job, you HAD to be 'right' to do it.. The modern digital systems with the 'fool proof' NEXT button makes 'radio' available to some presenters who should not be doing the job?

It's sad that today's commercial radio presenters, have no 'freedom of musical expression', have no idea about blending/ mixing music and jingles into a seamless 'sound carpet'.. are not allowed to say 'goodbye' at the end of their show, or 'thank' the previous presenter. Instead they just press 'next' and talk of over-rated 'mega stars, last night's tv, and endless musictomusic links predominate.

I briefly returned to 'local' radio (Smooth East Midlands) in 2007. I felt most strange sitting in a DIGITAL studio where there was just 3 screens and the NEXT button for EVERYTHING. I could not just 'throw in a cart' with v/o music or a jingle into a machine to improve/ embellish my next link. We did not have station jingles coded with slow, medium or fast endings, but in any case the digital playout had not been set-up to match the jingle 'out' with the song 'in'.. even though that could be done. And the presenter after me did not like broadcasting live, so came in during the week to 'voice-track 'the whole show...

I realised that feeling uncomfortable in the digital studio was a problem that came BETWEEN me and the audience, plus I felt a little guilty I was not a 'master' at using that panel. But I now realise with DELIGHT, very few of today's 'big names' in commercial radio would have any idea of all the above. They've never had to handle 15 faders, 'slip' a record on a turntable, or throw in 8 carts to make a break with 3 station jingles mixed together 'live' to play it out.

Ironically, we have less-skilled presenters, less station choice, (a lot) less music variety, but ENDLESS ceremonies for awards for all this. In an industry where nearly EVERYONE does the same thing.... at breakfast, play the same small choice of music, SYNDICATE up to 20 hours a day on their 'local' services, and run big money competitions during Rajar...  what is the point of awards?

To go back to my Facebook post, I realise today's presenters are more 'cabin crew' than 'captains' of their craft.... and radio stations are more EasyJet than British Airways...

I let a Song go out of My Heart..

...... "All Right Now"

The building was descending out of the mist, I could only see up to the second of the four floors. It had been erected 55 years before radio had been ‘invented’. As I walked into the reception I took a sneaky look at my picture in the centre of the 8 presenters deemed by the MD to be the ones on display. The very glamorous receptionist Melody beamed at me and in her usual warm way said ‘Goodmorning’ – the same ‘beam’ she gave Cliff or Shakey or Alvin when they came in for their regular interviews.

It was just 3 minutes to the hour, so I hurried downstairs past the ‘Tannoy’ speaker relaying the deep tones of the breakfast presenter Jack saying his ‘goodbyes’. I confidently swept into the studio to be enveloped in the warm fragrance of coffee, sweat, and newsprint from the 8 daily papers scattered over the green felt of the acoustic table. We exchanged jovial ‘hellos’ as I squeezed him out of the chair with only 35 seconds to go before I was ON!

‘And finally’, said Greg the newsreader from the booth next door, as I thrust three carts into the ITC three-stack. Instantly my fingers flew and ClicK my name blasted out, sung by seven singers in multiple ClicK a wonderful ‘musical crescendo (pinched from Alan Freeman) and then ClicK a station jingle proclaimed we were our listeners ’24 hour friend’ and Elton John’s latest upbeat track came in perfectly underneath as I lifted my finger off the '45'...

Behind me Jack still had 25 advert carts to put back into the correct alpa-numerical positions in the carousel (he did this everyday) and the studio door burst open with June carrying my coffee, underneath a long face. ‘Sorry. But I can’t bring down your guest today, I’m doing last month's PRS forms for Mr. Cale, so reception will call you when he arrives…’

She was GONE.

Behind me the breakfast presenter filed his last advert cart and tried to start a conversation (to try and put me off my first link). I smiled weakly, put on my headphones, and 4 seconds later was thanking him for a ‘great show’, relaying the times I’d be reading the horoscopes, our weekly gardening ‘spot’, and when our ‘star guest’ would be in, all over the intro of a wonderful old 1965 Four Seasons record.

I ‘hit the vocal’ of course…

Instantly, the studio phone flashed.. ‘Hiya, don’t forget at 12 we’ve got pancakes for everyone in the kitchen!’. It was the engineer’s secretary Annie, who, I knew, by 9.06am had her make-up mirror perched on top of her typewriter 4 floors above me, as she powdered her face, and ploomed her hair, simultaneously making social calls to friends in every department.

I was already getting out all the carts for the first hour’s adverts – some breaks were now 120 seconds long which I thought was a BAD move, particularly the one that sang (in a Manchester accent) the telephone number of a double glazing company 5 times in 30 seconds….

Someone had purloined the ‘album of the week’ on Tuesday and it was Thursday, so I substituted my favourite Gene Pitney record (another great 60s classic). I mixed it in beautifully with another of my personal jingles from Dallas (that I’d bought myself) segued into one of the awful station jingles, sang in Wimbeldon. This ended with at least three out of sync ‘T’s…

It was soon horoscope time so I got my favourite voice-over music (Apollo 100) and read out the first 3 signs, trying to sound convincing. As soon as I finished and cued in the next disc the studio door burst open again, and at tsunami speed in gushed Tony, the newest youngest buzziest presenter, who everyday started rehearsing his 2pm show before 10am in the studio next door. ‘Have you heard, they are AT LAST going to ban smoking in the studios! About time too..and remember there are pancakes at 12 !’ He borrowed 10 discs from the ‘blue box’ I had to use today (to rehearse his 'links'), which he also used later as it was the ‘yellow box’ in-between, and was gone…. as fast as he had arrived.

I was left to my own devices until 10am when my carefully timed ‘end’ record (I hated fade-out ends) finished. I read the news intro line, then ClicK the ‘News’ jingle cart, only to see there was no newsreader in the booth next-door. Literally, as the ‘ticker tape’ faded… he sat down, breathless, and attempted to read calmly and sedately.

‘MRS. THATCHER has met today with…’

He SPAT out the name of the Prime Minister, like cobra venom; he always did. Yet my complaints to the equally Socialist Programme Controller naturally ‘fell on deaf ears…’

The news was logged as 3 minutes, but once again it over-ran. This time to four and a half, but I‘d selected a very short record out of the news to balance this, played in ClicK another super Dallas namecheck, then a jingle that sang about ClicK ‘Springs in the air’ and I then a wonderful Clifford T. Ward song (even though it should have been an ‘A’ record by Boney M). I’d learnt long ago that the PC rarely listened to me for more than 10 minutes a day, as he was too busy filling in IBA ‘meaningful speech forms’. My ratings spoke for themselves so I was l left to my own (musical) devices.

I had to spend a few minutes filling in the ‘Performing Right Society’ triplicate carbon form, with the free-choice oldies I was playing, being most careful to ‘round down’ songs from 3.39 to 2.39 and so on… to make sure we ‘stuck’ to ‘needletime’. These were the forms June was going through floors above me. Collating all 350 for a month took her 2 days, so it was most unwise to enter her 'den', which had earned her the accolade 'witch in the library'.

The middle of the show flowed past, the gardening lady was a delight, always easy to interview; today we did 3 x 3 minutes (IBA meaningful speech guidelines) on Crocii. The only interruption was Tom from sales who came down to ask if I’d like to interview Jilly from Brufford Tyres about some fascinating new lines they had in. ‘They ARE advertising’ he assured me earnestly. I declined anyway, and told him to go through the PC.

Next, Tony returned those 10 records he’d borrowed. And just as I was going to see the gardening guest out reception rang to say, ‘Matt Monroe is here, can you get someone to collect him please as June is busy’. ClicK’. Of course, as always, that someone was ME, as the PC had dictated that presenters were perfectly able to get their guests from reception. I tended to have ‘B’ lists guests anyway, as our ‘star presenter’ (from London!) had friends and contacts in the capital, so the BIG stars of pop or telly usually appeared on his show; “Hello Cliff d a h l i  n g!”

I put on the longest disc I could find, ushered the gardening lady up the steep old stairs, and simultaneously warmly greeted Matt. ‘Good morning Mr. Monro’ who instantly asked ‘Please can I use the toilet’. I pointed him to the stairs at the back of the newsroom , excused myself, dashed downstairs to find that Paper Lace had finished singing; the needle was hitting the ‘end stop’ on the groove. . . . . . .  

Trying to sound calm I said ‘Well well Paper Lace left me speechless with their latest single, which sadly has yet to chart…’.. just as Matt Monroe was shown noisily into the studio by one of the newsroom trainees, who had just joined from British Rail.. ‘Sorry about that Matt’ I said, as I explained that June who usually looked after guests was busy. ‘Any chance of a coffee?’ said Matt, just as I realised that although I had ‘We’re gonna’ change the world’ to start the interview, I did not have his NEW single…. and it turned out…. neither did Matt. The librarian/tea–maker, three floors above me, was of course..... busy.

The radio station floor of the building was 8 storeys above me, and as always I could see no lights on so knew I would have the place to myself. In 40 seconds the swish lift took me up to the small reception, with its bright pinky-cerise station logo above a pinky-cerise settee, next to a blank wall by the reception desk which had not been graced by a receptionist for 3 years now; any guests (there weren’t many) had to ‘buzz through’ to get someone.

In the communal office I sat at one of the 2 shared presenter desks, turned on the computer to see how many shows I had to voice-track tonight, and read the latest ‘guidelines’ emailed from the Programme Controller in London. She had been promoted from sales so I tended to take them with a ‘pinch of salt’. We were still not to have any sung jingles, but they WERE changing the voice that did the station ‘strap lines’ from the cockney woman they’d used for 4 years, to a male voice.

I next had a nose round to see if there were any clues as to where things had got to with ‘the changes’ at the station. BofBof and Chantelle’s desks had been cleared, and in the staff ‘coffee and sink’ room their mugs had gone. It seemed definite. I had hoped to receive a call during the week perhaps asking me to do the show, but it never came… I had realised at 41 I was stuck, voice–tracking shows, until I got too old to do even that...

I went through to the totally quiet, air conditioned studio, that always smelt like a fridge, and was immaculately tidy. We were not allowed to take coffee in but as always I was alone so put my now tepid Café Mocha Latte Duplo from Starbucks right by the desk.

Before I started the voice-tracking I had to complete a task I’d been sent in an email from one of the 'suits' in London - to record scripted questions into a pre-recorded answer with one of the ‘stars’ of ‘American Cake 7’. That done, I adjusted the 3 computer screens to my liking, and pressed the ‘record' button…. The computer faultlessly played me the last 8 seconds of first song (something off X Factor I’d never heard before), and then I did my ‘cheery short link with the station name at the end’ as ALWAYS. I heard the start of the song pressed the NEXT button and it CUT to the last 8 seconds of it and I did another link… overNEXT andoverNEXT andover again…

I mainly followed some on-screen scripts, but 3 times an hour I had to do a ‘creative link’ though NOT mention any of the 9 regions the show went out to. We had a way of doing 9 links that went out to the 9 regions but I never bothered using it… the PC never noticed..  NEXT

Thirty five minutes later I’d done three, four hour shows, but I needed to stretch my legs, so walked across to the vast window and looked down 8 stories to a city sparse of people but with street lights on everywhere. I did not know the place as I’d first worked for the station when it was in its home town 45 miles away. Apart from finding the car park, I’d never actually used the shops here.

I drank some more of my now tepid coffee, sat down, and whipped-up enough enthusiasm to record the links for the last 2 shows

NEXT all NEXT in NEXT  22 minutes….

I even managed to fake in an old Free song near the end of one hour, which I’d brought in on CD. It sounded great, and for a moment took me back to days I had been on mornings, in that cosy studio in my home town when I’d been proud to be a ‘local lad made good’ when I got the show. The old building was now a Care Home for ‘troubled’ young people.

Having talked to a computer for 2 hours, and with not a soul around, I needed to get moving. But was possessed of a sudden spirit, felt up-lifted, and liberated. I turned on ‘manual’ on the screens, and switched the output of all 9 stations to the ‘local’ desk. I inserted the Free CD into the only CD machine, and selected the longest nosiest track, hit ‘repeat’, and put it on ‘pause’. As the ad breaks finished on all 9 stations, I hit the ‘master’ button, then ‘over-ride’, and the CD machine at the same time….

I knew that Free would still be b l a s t i n g out when the blonde halves of the 9 breakfast ‘crews’ arrived hours later. Chanise, Zena, Petal and the rest, all 40-120 miles away would take quite some time to work out HOW to switch back control to their local panels. I had high hopes that any listeners (they stopped trying to call in at 5 night years ago as they learned it was recorded) would have heard ‘All Right Now’ 27 times before anyone realised what was ‘wrong’.

I went into the office and switched on my email; I’d already drafted a positive reply to our BBC local station that had offered me a job; they wanted ‘a mature presenter who knows how to communicate with his local audience’. That was definitely me, and NOT Chanise, Zena or Petal… The money was good, the post secure as they'd carefully cleverly avoided any budget cuts, and I even got two producers for my 2 hour show!

My draft was… ClicK! sent… in a microsecond…

All Right Now!